Weddings. The whole point of them is for two people to stand in front of their friends and family (and God, if they’re so inclined) and make a lifelong commitment to each other, promising to share their hearts and souls with one another until death do they part.
It all sounds pretty romantic, and the wedding night is supposed to mark the sexy culmination of all this romance. Popular belief – thanks in no small part to film and TV – would have us assume that wedding night sex is all rose petals, big Os and a chorus of angels. But the reality is that this public display of devotion generally involves weeks of stress and, come the big day itself, too much fizz, hours of standing, unending small talk and yes, more stress. None of which is going to get you in the mood.
In fact, a survey by lingerie brand Bluebella found that more than half of newlyweds don’t do the deed at all on their wedding night. As these former brides will confirm, there’s no such thing as perfect wedding night sex.
"After the reception I wanted to carry on the party with our friends at another venue, but my husband protested, telling me that 'It was our wedding night, after all'. I thought I was going to get lucky, but when we got back to the hotel he passed out cold, leaving me to sleep in the wedding dress I couldn’t get out of."
"Come our wedding night I’d been on my feet for 18 hours and steadily imbibing prosecco since 9am. I was out for the count the moment my head hit the pillow, and my new husband was a bit tetchy the next morning because he saw our failure to immediately do the deed as a sign of bad luck. But we’d booked a lovely hotel for the following evening where we ordered a Nando’s, watched a trashy film and drank room service cocktails together in the bath. It was a million miles away from the stress of the previous day, and we more than made up for things that night."
"During the reception I slipped over in my swanky wedding shoes (they were half a size too small but I had to have them) and landed awkwardly on the hardwood floor. Even though my arm was killing me I refused to go to A&E because I was having too much fun. In bed later on we had a good go at things but eventually gave up because I was in so much pain. Turned out I’d broken my wrist."
"Our honeymoon suite came with a very attractive Edwardian bath that was just crying out to be, er, utilised. Only there didn’t seem to be a plug, so my new husband just kept his foot jammed in the plughole during the entirety of proceedings, which wasn’t really very romantic. Or even that effective."
"We did manage to have sex on our wedding night, but it wasn’t exactly as I envisioned it. When we finally wrestled the dress off, my husband was confronted with my very unsexy flesh-coloured, seamless knickers, matching plain strapless bra and control-top tights. I don’t know what he was expecting but the look on his face told me it wasn’t that!"
"We were both absolutely hammered, and even though we could barely walk my new wife insisted on going down on me. She was doing a pretty good job of things, but I must have nodded off because I woke up to find her asleep with her face still buried between my legs. The icing on the cake was when I gently nudged her awake and she sneezed right into my vagina."
"Our hotel room was absolutely perfect: roll-top bathtub, four-poster bed, the works. So imagine my horror when I discovered my parents were staying in the room right next door. And yes, having heard my dad practise his wedding toast through the walls meant it was pretty clear you could hear everything. We had a quiet fumble later that night but knowing they were within earshot of proceedings put a massive dampener on everything."
"We stayed in a historical residence on our wedding night, in the bed that Henry VIII supposedly gave to Jane Seymour as a gift. Very romantic. And to be fair, everything was going wonderfully, but then I opened my eyes in the midst of copulation to see a portrait of Henry and Jane STARING RIGHT AT ME. Bit of a mood killer. And I couldn’t sleep properly afterwards, either."
"My wife and I were just getting into bed on our wedding night when her phone buzzed with a message from her ex congratulating her on our wedding. I lost the plot. We ended up having a massive row and she went to sleep in the car. The stupid thing is, I actually know her ex-girlfriend and she’s lovely. I blame the booze and tiredness!"
"I was six months' pregnant when we got hitched. My husband had given up drinking as a show of support, but on our wedding day he decided to let his hair down, which I was totally fine with until it came to the evening. We were having sex in a spooning position when he suddenly let out a huge belch and then VOMITED into my ear. I bolted out of bed, and he just kept on puking. It was everywhere. I – sizeably pregnant, remember – then went to sleep on the tiny hotel room sofa while he passed out in his own vomit mumbling, 'We’re never going to have fun again'."
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
Money Diary: A Digital Editor In Bath On 71.5k
Everything You Need To Know About YouTube's New Music Streaming Service
Khloé Kardashian Has A £1,140 Blanket In Baby True's Nursery