Roseanne is cancelled. The rebooted TV show is cancelled. The reruns of the original show are cancelled. Roseanne Barr is, as the kids say, cancelled. And it’s all because of a single racist tweet (and, arguably, Barr’s long history of racist and problematic behaviour). Not even a hugely popular TV show could save her from this self-destruction.
Twitter has been around for more than a decade, and yet people are still regularly committing basic mistakes without thinking about the consequences. It doesn’t take much to go viral, and you definitely don’t have to be famous to have a tweet blow up in your face (though that helps, obviously). You might be a publicist flying to Africa or a kid about to start a job at a pizza place. If you use your social media to be publicly problematic, the Twitter machine will come for you. And they will demand your head — or at least your job. Anyone who thinks it’s all dogs and kitties so pure we don’t deserve them is living on another planet. There’s a side of Twitter that will eat you alive. And by this point, in 2018, you really, really should know how to avoid it.
Yet the Roseanne brouhaha tells us: We’re in urgent need of a refresher course in Twitter etiquette. Why should you listen to me? I’m not an expert. And that’s not my imposter syndrome speaking, I’m actually not an expert on this stuff. But I am someone with a teeny tiny Twitter following, a sense of humour, and a desire to make sure you’re not fucking it up online. Today, I haven’t prepared a lecture of well-researched talking points about how to navigate this sometimes hellish social media platform. But if you’re looking for a beginner’s guide on how to tweet and keep earning a living, then these tips are for you.
Are they obvious? Yes. Should you know better? Yes. Is it insane that we keep having this conversation? Yes. But here we are. So read on for five things you must do to make sure you’re never, ever fired because of something you share on Twitter.
(Step 6 is sharing this article. It won’t get you fired, and it may help a friend. Hey, it takes a village.)
First of all, it’s important to have someone you consider a nemesis. This is the person who will keep you on your toes at all times because you want to be better than them.
Second, you’re not going to actually send them a screenshot of your tweet. But as a mental exercise, imagine that you did. What would they do with that tweet? Could they use it as a weapon of destruction against you? Because the tweet you’re about to post will absolutely end up in the hands of this person, since they’re undoubtedly following your every move on social media anyway. So if the tweet is something that would be innocuous in the hands of your worst enemy, then you’re good to go.
And no, it doesn’t have the same effect if you imagine sending the screenshot to your mum, because your mum thinks everything you do is great. Same goes for best friends, lovers, and flatmates. You need a little perspective here, okay?
Listen, we all lie. Sometimes it’s a white lie: “Babe, I love the sweater you got me for Christmas! Thank you so much.” Other times it’s a strategic lie, like when you tell your boss you need to “work from home” because you’re getting a washing machine installed when in fact you just want to lay on the couch and enjoy a daytime-TV marathon in your pyjamas. Fine! We all want to know what’s in the Showcase Showdown. Just don’t live tweet it!
In fact, here’s a handy list of everything you shouldn’t tweet:
-- Don’t tweet that you’re hungover on a workday — even if you’re taking an official sick day.
-- Don’t tweet pictures from the spa when you told your boss you’d be working from home.
-- Don’t tweet about making it in time for happy hour when you left work early to go to a doctor’s appointment.
-- Don’t tweet a rant about your boss/company/coworker — even if it’s thinly veiled. Write that tweet, then delete that tweet. Just drafting it can work therapeutic wonders.
-- Don’t tweet the details of where and when you’ll be on holiday. (This isn’t work-related, I just get nervous that bad guys will see you’re gone and then be like, “We should rob her!”)
This etiquette can also be applied to your friendships. Don’t be the jerk tweeting about loving their new neighbourhood bar when you just cancelled dinner plans with your friends.
When Twitter isn’t a sea of threads about why you’re not doing enough to be a good person, it’s often a place where you can get a good laugh. There are so many funny, relatable, smart people on Twitter — and that is one of the reasons why you’re on it. (That and the overwhelming need to watch the world burn.) But all your online activity might one day be scrutinised, including the tweets you’ve liked and retweeted. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t type those things out yourself — all your cosigning can read like one big endorsement. You might not have thought much about liking a tweet about whether or not you should get bangs (the evergreen question that continues to plague womankind), only to realise much later it was tweeted by someone who murders kittens — or worse. That’s not the kind of image you want to project to the world. You love kittens! Which brings me to my next point...
Maybe this sentiment once worked, but in 2018, you’re absolutely a reflection of your employer. And that’s important to consider before you put something out on the internet, where it will live forever. (Even if you delete it, someone will find it.) Putting a disclaimer in your bio doesn’t mean jack shit, and it certainly won’t protect you in a wrongful termination lawsuit. There might only be one topic on which you can openly hate without impunity: peas in guacamole.
At this point you may feel, “Why even have an account?” This is also fine. I’m not saying you should feel silenced, but I do think it’s fine to be a passive Twitter user. Laugh (but don’t necessarily like!) all the funny tweets. Catch up on breaking news. Feel satisfied by an informative thread. But don’t feel the pressure to constantly spew whatever is on your mind without giving second thought to who might be reading these very public declarations. And if you simply cannot escape the urge to post something every single day, you can’t go wrong with pictures of baby goats. They are great. And baby goats are almost never fake news.
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