Welcome to Money Diaries, where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking a cross-section of women how they spend their hard-earned money on one of the biggest days of their lives: their wedding.
This week we're with a PhD student who, due to a new baby and monetary restrictions, felt like a wedding for her and her partner wasn't ever going to happen. Until they came up with another idea...
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The Basics
Jobs: I am a PhD student on unpaid maternity leave. My husband is a PhD student with a £13,000 a year tax-free stipend.
Ages: I’m 29, he’s 33.
Location: We live in Newcastle. We got married in California.
Number of bridesmaids/groomsmen: 0
My (now) husband once told me he was scared to propose to me because of the level of anxiety I felt about my family all being together at my wedding. When you add the fact that we have a shared income of £13,000 a year and a new(ish) baby, it didn’t look likely that we’d ever be able to get married. Then a few things happened, serendipitously, all at once.
1. My two grandmothers both died and I inherited some money, some of which I’ve used to feed my family ('cause, you know, my university and the government somehow expect me to survive benefits-free on my unpaid maternity leave). I also opened a Lifetime ISA. If you don’t know about the LISA yet: the Tories invented it to encourage young people to save for the future because they’re trying to scrap pensions, just in case our generation wasn’t screwed enough. But the main appeal of the LISA is that you can use it to save for a deposit for your first house. For every £4,000 you save in the LISA, the government gives back £1,000. I had £5,000, put £4,000 of it in the LISA and reasoned that I could spend the remaining £1,000 on a holiday to see my best friend in California… on the government. My LISA has since matured, £1,000 has been paid up, we’ve had our holiday and £5,000 still awaits us if we ever find a house we can afford.
2. We received not one, not two, but eight wedding invitations for the months spanning June-September 2018. We all know the stats now – the average UK wedding costs £1,015 to attend (unless you’re a bridesmaid – which I am at two of them – when it climbs to £1,058). So we turned down a couple of invites and began slowly adding to our enormous credit card bills, buying outfits and booking B&Bs and foreign hen parties, and the prospect of ever actually getting married ourselves slipped further and further away…
3… at which point, one evening in November 2017 as we watched RuPaul’s Drag Race over a bowl of tomato soup, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "Why don’t we just elope when we’re on holiday?" Which if you ask me is just as romantic as his first proposal on a windswept Northumberland beach. And so we began to plan the cheapest wedding we could, in Joshua Tree National Park, from 5,000 miles away. My bestie and her boyfriend would be there, and we invited two other couples that we’re close friends with who live in the US. Add in one of their babies and our wedding party was up to 10 (or nine, if you count the two babies as half-people, which I am prone to do).
For the intervening birthdays and Christmas, we asked for money from our families so that we had a holiday fund when we were there. We gradually paid for bits and pieces like the suit, dress and wedding officiant as and when we had money left over at the end of each month. We’re used to being pretty frugal so it wasn’t too difficult and I’m no stranger to hitting the credit card hard either, so sometimes that came in handy too!
The Essentials: £849.60
Officiant: When you’re booking a wedding in a faraway land, Google is your best friend. There are a few non-denominational officiants who serve the Palm Springs/Joshua Tree area and I went with my gut and booked the one I thought looked the best. When I met her for the first time on our wedding day, I knew we’d made the right decision. I was so, so happy she was going to marry us. She was wonderful. $300 (£233)
Park permit: The US National Parks Service charges $110 (£82) to get married in Joshua Tree. All of the officiants we spoke to said they "left it up to the couple" to decide whether or not to apply for the permit, but the toss-up between £80 upfront or a hefty fine and a run-in with the park rangers was a no-brainer for us…
Marriage licence: $90 (£67) for an internationally legal marriage. This felt like the most official part of the whole process to be honest. We applied for the licence online before we arrived in California and then went to a courthouse in Beverly Hills to collect our paperwork. Marriage licences and traffic violations are dealt with in the same office, but in true American style we were sent to the front of the queue and were met with cheers of "Alright!" from the traffic violators when we were handed our documents.
Notary: $10 (£7.60) – in the US all marriage certificates have to be notarised (certified) after the ceremony which costs $10 and took us to a UPS store in Yucca Valley where my daughter was told she had EYES FOR DAYS.
Wedding rings: We wanted ethical rings and had been told by a friend in the business that the only ethical jewellery, really, is vintage. Mine was made from an old trilogy ring of my grandmother's and the redesign cost £400 at Emma Hedley (we paid for this out of my inheritance too, as I thought that was something my grandma would love to have funded). We searched high and low for an antique ring that would fit my husband’s giant hands and were prepared to spend quite a bit for the right one. In the end, he found his on his way to work ONE DAY before we went away (I was trying to be hands-off and chilled out but was secretly screaming into the void every time he left the house). It was in a pawn shop and cost £60.
Hen and Stag: £0
We didn’t plan anything because we didn’t tell many people we were getting married. HOWEVER, a couple of days before we left, my mummy friends planned a champagne-fuelled lunch complete with truth or dare cards. Babies were duly collected by their dads before things got really raucous. Then the night before our flight, some of our friends came and met us at King's Cross and, surrounded by lots of balloons, we sank a couple of bottles of wine through penis straws outside the only place that could accommodate all of us at short notice – a very expensive Japanese restaurant. It was random. It was a surprise. All of it was free (for us, anyway).
Reception: £121.62
Venue hire: As a wedding gift to us, my best friend (who we were staying with in California) hired a family friend’s mid-century ranch and we stayed there. Which, you know, could have been worse, given that it was the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen in my life, replete with tiled floors, Mexican rugs, beautiful artwork and a swimming pool, right in the middle of the desert.
Wedding breakfast: On the morning of the wedding we went to the local supermarket with the vague idea that we’d get 'nibbles' for after the wedding. I was thinking cheese, fancy crackers, cured meats. Yeah… no. We left with some 'sharp' orange cheddar, some loaves of bread, a jar of olives and two pounds of pasta salad. Not quite the feast I’d envisaged, but after the wedding I was so happy that I literally could have eaten sand and told everyone it was the best meal of my life. $30 (£22)
Cake: My friend and I then went to Walmart and bought one of those cakes – you know the kind, enormous, rectangular and covered in white, creamy frosting. It was $18 and it was free to have a message iced on it – we went for our new name and the date. When the same friend got married four years ago, she had tiny little cake-topper peg people made of me and my boyfriend. I then bought a blank peg person for 70p on Etsy and painted it to look like our daughter. These were our cake toppers! £14.12 for everything.
Dinner: When my dad found out we were running away to California to get married, he very sweetly offered to buy everyone dinner on the day. We went for lunch to Pappy and Harriet's, a country-and-western themed BBQ joint in Pioneertown. Eating steak and ribs three hours before you get married is probably not a thing you’re supposed to do but I highly recommend it. This was $270 for everyone, on my dad. I also bought a dress to wear to lunch from Out of the Closet, a California-based chain of thrift shops. It was $10.75, and then I found a near-exact replica for my daughter in Old Navy for $4. You always think you’re not going to be That Mum, and then… £11
Fizzy wine: We went to Trader Joe’s the morning we drove up to Joshua Tree and spent $100 on 14 bottles of not-champagne, a bottle of tequila, Bloody Mary mix and beer. Two friends from home had stuffed 'Congratulations' cards with dollars before we left, with the express condition that we spend it on champagne to toast. Champagne is hard to come by in America, so we went with lots of very cheap Californian 'prosecco' which was nasty but did the job. £74.50
Transport: We drove everyone to the national park in two cars. You’re meant to pay a per-vehicle entrance to the park and we had prepared to pay for both entrance fees but when we arrived at sunset there was no one there. We went right on through for free.
Flowers: £0
It’s against federal law to bring plants into a national park. So that was the flowers sorted…
Dresses: £681.19
Dress: I had my dream dress already – a 1930s oyster-coloured liquid silk slipper dress. I bought it before we were engaged because it was vintage and I was scared I’d never find anything I loved as much. Then I breastfed my daughter and my boobs went from a B to an E. Farewell beautiful vintage dress. Goodbye forever. I bought a dress from Ghost which I loved almost as much. It was the 'Sylvia' dress in ivory and cost £225. However, when you sign up to the Ghost mailing list, you get 10% off – so I got it for £202.50.
Suit: My boyfriend found a Thomas Farthing suit in the sale. It’s a 1930s Cuban-style suit in cream linen, perfect for the other weddings we have this summer. The trousers and jacket were £299 at sale price, and I like to divide that by 7, so the suit comes in at £42 a wear this summer…
Tie: $10 (£7.45) for a 1940s pastel-coloured abstract-print tie at Paper Moon Vintage.
Baby’s dress: The real star of the show was of course our daughter, who screamed throughout the ceremony and then weed on her dad – perhaps her nappy was compromised due to her rage? We don’t know – but she did it all looking beautiful in a dress from Monsoon. It was meant to be £45 but I poked around for hours online to find a coupon and eventually got it at 15% off, for £38.25.
Shoes: Groom wore a pair he had already; I bought a pair of embroidered espadrilles from TK Maxx for £24.99. Our daughter also wore espadrilles – white ones from H&M which cost £4.
Accessories: I wore pearls that my mum loaned me, and she bought me a crown from Epona Valley covered in lily of the valley, which was my nan’s favourite flower. I then bought each of the girls that came a matching lily of the valley hair clip which cost £35 each. £105
Hair and makeup: Everyone did their own.
Other: £0
Invitations: Text messages!
Photography: We were so lucky because our friends are all very talented photographers. We didn’t have to ask, they just stepped up and started snapping.
The Breakdown
Essentials: £849.60
Hen & Stag: £0
Reception: £121.62
Flowers: £0
Dresses: £681.19
Other: £0
Total: £1,652.41
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