When it comes to abusive relationships — whether it's physical, emotional, or any other form of domestic abuse — people often have one suggestion: Just leave. But it's not that simple.
Approximately 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 6 men in the UK will be in an abusive relationship in their lifetime, and just leaving the situation is not always an option.
"It’s important for people to understand that domestic violence relationships are incredibly complex, and there’s a lot of reasons someone might stay," says Katie Ray-Jones, chief executive officer at the US's National Domestic Violence Hotline (NVDH).
Ray-Jones says that the hotline hears from a lot of people who want to leave, but who have valid reasons for staying.
Ray-Jones notes that it takes a lot of courage to even to contact the hotline, and if you've never been in an abusive relationship, it's not fair to question someone's reasoning for staying. Instead, she says that it's important to support them without judging, whether they want to leave or not.
"Support networks are critical for lifting that person up," she says.
Ahead, Ray-Jones discusses some of the most common reasons a domestic violence survivor might not leave their relationship right away.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Fear.
If someone is a survivor of physical domestic violence, they might fear what a partner might do if they leave, or find out that they're planning to leave. Last year, a report from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that almost half of female murder victims are killed by an intimate romantic partner. In 29.7% of homicides related to domestic violence, an argument of some sort had occurred before the victim's death, the study found.
"We know statistically that when someone who’s in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship begins to plan their departure, once the perpetrator finds out, that can increase the volatility [of the situation]," Ray-Jones says. "It’s important that someone [in an abusive relationship] plans their departure safely."
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
There are children involved.
If someone has children with the abuser, Ray-Jones says that might increase the likelihood that they'll stay.
"Providing a two-parent home may be a priority for them," she says. "They might think the kids are not seeing the abuse, but we know oftentimes, they’re aware that there’s abuse happening."
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Fear of being outed.
If someone is in an LGBTQ+ relationship and hasn't come out to everyone, their partner might threaten to out them.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Shame.
Ray-Jones says that a lot of the time, domestic violence survivors may worry that they won't be believed, or that they'll even be blamed for what's happened to them.
"We rarely see people come forward and not have their character or reputation attacked," she says. "What we hear often from survivors is that they feel that somehow the abuse is their fault. We hear from so many [survivors] that their abusive partner is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde — they present this really great person outwardly, and behind closed doors, they become someone else. That makes the survivor internalise, 'he’s such a great guy to everyone but with me, he’s different, it must be something I'm doing wrong.'"
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Love.
Ray-Jones says that a lot of times, abusive relationships start off pretty healthy with a lot of intimacy and positivity, and "the abuse seeps in slowly over time." She explains, "In between those abusive incidents, the abusive partner is still showing glimpses of the person they were when the survivor fell in love with them."
And while some survivors experience a cycle of abuse, where the relationship goes through a sequence of tension building (where a survivor feels like they're walking on eggshells around their partner), the abusive incident, then a honeymoon phase, it isn't always that predictable for others.
"Sometimes [survivors don't] have that honeymoon phase, so it [doesn't] really feel like a cycle anymore," Ray-Jones says. "Maybe there’s not a cycle, but there’s a lot of manipulation on the abusive partner’s part to make it feel like things are going to be different to keep a person engaged in the relationship."
As the NDVH website puts it, a survivor "may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely."
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Language barriers or immigration status.
If a survivor's first language isn't English, it can be difficult for them to find the resources to leave a relationship, and if they're an undocumented immigrant, they may fear deportation if they report the abuse to authorities.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Disabilities.
If someone has a disability, they might be physically dependent on a partner, and could be made to feel like their well-being depends on this person, despite any abusive behavior.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Lack of money and/or resources.
Ray-Jones says that the hotline often hears from survivors who are being financially abused, wherein their partners control their access to money, and therefore maintains more power over them.
"We’re hearing from survivors that perpetrators are ruining their credit, taking their access to money away and preventing them from establishing independence outside the relationship," she says. "They don’t have access to funds to seek legal service or their credit is ruined and they can’t get an apartment, so they don’t have the ability to break from the relationship."
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