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Sex and physical intimacy dominate much of the mainstream conversation about modern relationships, but what if the act of making love moves you no more than filling in tax returns?
For someone who identifies as asexual, this lack of desire may well be a hurdle they have to navigate if they wish to seek a romantic partner.
Asexuality is a multifaceted orientation that describes a person who does not experience sexual attraction.
There is a spectrum of ways people can identify as asexual, from bi-romantic – a romantic attraction to both men and women – to grey-asexual, meaning someone who may experience some sexual attraction but at a lower intensity or on very rare occasions.
It is by no means a new phenomenon, but it has experienced a surge in interest recently thanks to greater awareness around sexual orientations and fluidity.
The most commonly cited figure for the prevalence of asexuality among the global population is 1%. This came from a 2004 paper by Canadian psychologist Anthony Bogaert, in which he asked a large sample of people who they were sexually attracted to.
Furthermore, community sites such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), which shares information about asexuality and offers a space for people who identify as asexual to arrange meet-ups, is reporting higher numbers of registered users than ever before. Since 2010, it has grown from having 22,460 members to over 100,000 in 2018.
Here, three women who identify as asexual tell us exactly what it is like to date and have relationships without wanting to have sex – and the perks and pitfalls that present themselves during the process.
Eilidh, 24
I’ve always been a family-oriented person and my friends mean the absolute world to me. I’m passionate about advocating for human rights and I play the saxophone. But finding a long-term partner, someone to share my interests with, is something I’ve dreamed about for ages. That can be tricky when you identify as an asexual, as I do.
I define my asexuality as bi-romantic, which means I’m romantically attracted to men and women, but I don’t want to have sex with them. I don’t think about it, I’m not bothered by it – that urge just doesn’t come to me.
Sex drives seem to be incredibly important to a lot of relationships, but when I fall for someone, I want to spend a lot of time getting to know them. Kissing and holding hands is the most physically intimate I really get.
Personality is very important to me. My ideal partner is someone who can make me laugh. The traits I go for tend to be different depending on whether I’m dating men or women. In men, I like nerdy, intelligent guys who are passionate about something. I’m attracted to more beautiful women, strangely.
Explaining asexuality on dating apps can be interesting! The sort of comments I get range from, "That doesn’t make any sense!" to "Is there something wrong with you?" I take it on the chin most of the time. People don’t seem to understand it’s not a choice I’ve made.
Other people have been curious about my (lack of?) sexuality and ask me questions, which is a great way to talk about it.
I tend to tell people I’m dating that I’m asexual straightaway, so there can be no confusion over what that means.
Before I came out, there were a couple of times when guys were very overfamiliar with me on dates, touched me and stroked my arms, despite having known me for just hours, in ways that felt inappropriate and extremely uncomfortable. Once, I even had a panic attack over it. Above everything, it is important to me that I feel respected whoever I’m dating.
Leila*, 21
I’m going to cut to the chase – I definitely want to get married. It’s more trying to figure out how to get to that point, as I’ve actually no idea how people do it.
Before I came out as asexual, I noticed that the way my friends would talk about relationships was totally different to how I would think about them. We used to watch rom coms and TV shows where the characters would act like having sex was the most important thing in life.
Actors were always having one-night stands, and I thought they were completely fake scenes, that the media and Hollywood had just totally made them up. Why would anyone want to do that? I thought. Then my friends started having one-night stands and I was blown away. I had no idea they were real!
I started identifying as asexual when I was 17. Then, I wasn’t sexually attracted to people at all and I didn’t want to have sex. Now, I’m not completely opposed to the idea of sex, but in reality it wouldn’t be something I would seek out.
I don’t tend to use dating apps, because I feel like I need to know someone better to be romantically attracted to them. But being asexual can make this confusing, too. It’s hard to know what a normal friendship is and what isn’t.
Sometimes, I convince myself I have a crush on certain friends. Then I think it could ruin our friendship to take it much further and I get obsessed with that and give up trying.
Technically, I like men and women, but when I do have crushes they are mostly on girls. I have one friend who I was crushing on a lot. She was very understanding and we supported each other a lot through our studies. And she had really great curly brown hair. She was small too, which I really liked because I’m quite tall.
Sadly, I moved away, so nothing long-term came out of it.
*Name has been changed
Christina, 24
I am attracted to both men and women romantically, but I would describe myself as totally sex-neutral. I’m not repulsed by the idea of having sex, it’s just that I’m not in the slightest bit bothered about it. It doesn’t shame me, embarrass me, or move me at all. I’m totally indifferent to its very existence.
For me to experience romantic attraction, I have to know someone quite well, which makes dating in the modern sense a little bit obsolete for me.
Physical attributes don’t play an important role in my selection process. Most people can look at a celebrity and say, "She’s hot" or "He’s hot". Objectively, I can agree that they are physically attractive, but I won’t feel that draw towards them that perhaps someone who isn’t asexual would.
For me, the most attractive features in a person would be being thoughtful, caring and trustworthy. They’d have to not be too clingy, though. I’d need there to be a certain level of independence on both sides for it to work.
I’ve actually never had a full relationship, but there was one person I developed deep feelings for. It was a male friend I was at school with and we shared a lot together. We had the same interests and hobbies, like our love of drama and music. He was super nice and considerate, but ultimately, I don’t think we were compatible. I’m really practical and organised, while he’s one of those people who leaves things up in the air.
I’m as bothered about finding "the one" as I am about sex. However, I’ve dreamed about adopting children since I was little. For me, kids have always been part of my future plan, but a potential husband or wife is negotiable.
If I do meet someone I could be with long-term that would be amazing. But right now, I’m focusing on my true love – acting and screen writing. If I had to play someone in a movie who was sexually attracted to another person or had to have sex? I’d be very open with the director about my asexuality, but ultimately, as I’m not bothered by it and don’t feel uncomfortable, it could make playing a role like that even easier for me.
My passion really lies in sci-fi and fantasy films however, so you’re more likely to see me in the next Star Wars than a rom com anyway.
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