In the words of the inimitable Diana Vreeland: "I’ve never met a leopard print I didn’t like." That says it all really; the goddess of fashion, the queen of camp, knew that there’s something indescribably alluring about a good leopard print.
Few prints manage to be both the stronghold of nans — found on dressing gowns and quilty slippers from Freeport in Fleetwood for four quid, at which Nan would scoff and say, "They’re only three in Morecambe, we’re leaving," dashing your dreams of snagging bargain Rocha by John Rocha from the discount Debenhams — as well as the must-have of the fashionable set, who never really go a season without a good leopard print.
Yes, it has been very much on the trendar (trend radar) in 2018, but think about it; the most stylish people in your life are guaranteed to have something leopard print. In fact, almost everyone in your life has something leopard print. It’s as essential to style happiness as the perfect day heel boot, a brilliant black winter coat, a really stunning dildo.
Why though? One might argue that it’s pretty. But it’s actually not; in its classic form, it’s kind of off-beige and polka dotty, which isn’t a combo that usually denotes pretty. I reckon it’s because there’s something quite sexual about wearing the print of an animal that is so sleek, so stunning, so athletic, such a hunter, while being able to stick proudly to your anti-fur stance. It’s carnal, it’s nature, it’s sex, but cruelty-free.
I’m not saying I want to fuck a leopard but I am saying it’s about animal instinct. And so, because it’s my job as a gay person, and thus someone who understands the sexual codes and the camp countenances of clothes because, I dunno, I was born this way, here is a definitive list of what your leopard print says about you.
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Brands you love: Celine (pre-Hedi, obviously); Comme; Jil Sander; some (but not all) Raf Simons; Simone Rocha.
Foods you like: Plant-based.
You’re a puritan. You like things the way they were meant to be. You once went on safari in the home counties and wore your leopard print turtleneck and felt slightly weird about it. You haven’t yet linked your desire to fuck a leopard and your love for leopard print but you did a module in Freud at uni, so any day now. You’re probably fashionable: you live in De Beauvoir and have a semi-substantial Instagram following – around 2,881 – and follow less than 1,000. You had a blog a while back, which was a heady mix of close-up images of denim, things that were green and pink (but only muted tones), and mini-poems about driving to the beach and drinking yoghurt that is salty. Yoghurt is never salty, however you’re super into seeing things others don’t so you liked the idea of describing yoghurt as salty; you thought it made you sound very, very interesting.
Or you’re a drag queen who copped the fabric for cheap on Berwick Street.
Favourite singer: Adele.
Question you always ask yourself but have never googled: Where is Delta Goodrem now?
You’re both a very busy person and a budgeter. You don’t have time, and didn’t want to spend the money, to think about the way different prints work so you bought a scarf in the Zara sale which has leopard, zebra, snake and tiger print on it. And you know what: it looks bloody great. In fact, it’s possibly the garment you’ve got most compliments on in the last year and a half because it’s a style tangent from your usual symphony of black and navy. You eat salads a lot but you fucking hate them, and every now and then you get a feeling that you want to quit your life and go travelling but you decide against it when the thought gets too real because your husband doesn’t want to and, after years of practice, he gives incredible head (finally!). Rush hour pisses you off – like, really pisses you off – but three to eight times a month you have a really wonderful day and at the end of it all you sit down, touch your scarf and think about how happy you are with your lot.
Favourite place: Camden/ the idea of eastern Europe.
Favourite thing to do: Put hexes on people.
You were big on Myspace but have never really gotten into Instagram and Twitter. You’re a really great person, but you’re also the kind of person who still thinks Emily The Strange is kind of cool. Your idea of a perfect night in is watching The Nightmare Before Christmas in bed and eating burgers. It’s all very late '00s, but you make it work. Conversely, you could also be quite into trend-led buying; you loved that pleated skirt you bought that was leopard print (the classic kind) so you decided to go for another piece in, let’s say, a dark red. You’re a literary agent. You’re very, very smart, and you really like the simplicity of A.P.C. but also the sexuality of Christopher Kane. You’re currently wondering whether to buy another scent from Byredo, and you love a breakfast meeting. You’re the kind of person who people really like, but also respect.
Dream wedding: In a church. Not princessy but traditional, mature. No drugs and the band will be live – you will not have a DJ – even though you’ll be annoyed when they play "Sex On Fire" by that band whose name I’ve forgotten. It will be a really lovely day though.
You’re young but people have always said you have an old soul. This used to piss you off but as you get a little older you’ve started to accept that it’s no bad thing. You’re either a semi-successful actor or a nurse, depending on lots of different factors that constitute a whole other article. You currently live in north London but aren’t sure if it’s still for you; it used to be cooler, you think, even though you love the villagey feel of Crouch End. Your favourite TV show is – curveball – Gimme Gimme Gimme and you have a lot of gay friends, although they are Clapham gays so are slowly settling down, too. You ask two of them to be your bridesmaids but you, and they, think it’s more appropriate to call them 'bridesmen'. If you were a fraction more lame you would think gender reveal parties are amazing but you’re slightly too cool for that, thank God. You’re really very kind, almost to a fault, although you hate it when people borrow money and don’t pay you back. Once you drove to someone’s house to collect £2.41 to the actual penny. You still haven’t been able to laugh about it.
Favourite drug: Hallucinogens, obviously.
Email server: Yahoo
You’re very much into the environment and you think that a colourful leopard print does the job of celebrating both the animal and all the colours of nature in one. You’re not stylish in the Grazia sense of the word but you very much have your own personal style, which consists of jewellery with wood on/in it. You just finished Sabrina on Netflix and actually really liked it. Sometimes you have slightly dodge opinions on cultural appropriation; just earlier this year you didn’t see the problem with getting henna all over your hands and arms. But you’re willing to learn and you impart a lot of goodness and knowledge into the world regarding climate change and ways we can reduce waste but also criticise big corporations who, really, are responsible. You used to vote Lib Dem at home, but when you moved away you realised you were an out and out Green Party supporter. You’re bisexual.
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