Valentine's Day is a hard sell. But you already knew that, didn't you pal? The last few weeks have been spent actively dodging heart-shaped novelty items and special 'dine in for two' promotions at the supermarket, and the infiltration of brand Cupid has only made you even more determined to cut 14th February out of your life. Screw the overflow of pink and red merchandise. (That pink gin on promotion, though? That can stay.)
Romance is already rather dominant in the entertainment world. So if you're single, cynical or can't bear the pressure of the V-Day parade, settling down to watch something on what never turns out to be the most romantic night of the year can be a bit of a minefield. That's why we've collated some anti-Valentine films for you to jump into instead.
Don't worry, they're not all violent slasher films. We've got a documentary, a dark comedy and some of the most dysfunctional couples in recent cinematic history. You'll find all our recommendations available to stream online, so fire up Netflix and Amazon Prime and prepare to forget that St Valentine's Day is even a thing.
Name: Jess Commons
Title: Health & Living Editor
Film recommendation: Enlighten Us
Reason: Hoo boy, you think Valentine’s Day is bad? Allow me to introduce you to the Wellness Industry, my friend. This criminally underrated documentary follows the attempted comeback of motivational speaker and guru James Arthur Ray (he follows me on Twitter – hi James Arthur Ray!) after he served two years in prison for the negligent homicide of three guests at a retreat he ran. Watch in disbelief, then purge your Instagram of all 'wellness' influencers and thank your lucky stars that Valentine’s Day is your biggest problem rn.
Available on Netflix
Name: Katy Thompsett
Title: Sub Editor
Film recommendation: Seven Psychopaths
Reason: I watched Seven Psychopaths when I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend and it cheered me up no end. Horribly violent and horribly funny, the plot is kiiiiiiinda esoteric but essentially revolves around a drunk Irish screenwriter and his waster buddy who goes about kidnapping dogs from wealthy LA residents then returning them and pocketing the reward. Side note: This film fails the Bechdel Test spectacularly – the five named female characters never interact and three of them die gratuitously gory deaths – but Christopher Walken’s character makes a joke about it so...I guess that’s okay?
Available on Netflix
Name: Jazmin Kopotsha
Title: Entertainment Editor
Film recommendation: Get Out
Reason: Whether you’ve seen it before or Jordan Peele’s Oscar-winning debut is still lingering on your watch list, choose to watch it today. Sure, the film is about a young couple braving that "meet the parents" stage of a burgeoning relationship, but at the same time it’s really not about them at all. The perfect combination of social commentary, jumpy thrills and laughs. Just add wine.
Available on Amazon Prime and Now TV
Name: Katy Harrington
Title: Managing Editor
Film recommendation: American Psycho
Reason: At first glance, American Psycho is all about the yuppy lifestyle – getting tables at Michelin star restaurants, one-upping your friends with bespoke suits, Rolex watches and Oliver Peoples glasses, all paid for with Black Amex cards – but boy does it scratch, claw and dig its way beneath the surface of the filthy rich Manhattan set of the '80s. The film stars a toned and frenzied Christian Bale having a series of good hair days while chasing prostitutes down corridors naked with a chainsaw (come to think of it, he may not be acting here). Look out for a babyfaced Reese Witherspoon, Willem Dafoe, Jared Leto, Chloë Sevigny and a very pre-Jen Justin Theroux. It also features a deliciously guilty pleasures soundtrack of Genesis, Phil C, Simply Red, Huey Lewis, Whitney and Chris de Burgh. If it doesn’t teach you a lesson about the perils of vanity, capitalism, excess, toxic masculinity, drugs and violence, you’ll at least pick up some excellent self-care tips from Patrick Bateman’s regimented skincare routine (sheet masks are nothing new, people).
PS. The novel is even more brutal – perfect for Valentine’s Day 2020 reading!
Available on Netflix
Name: Natalie Gil
Title: Senior News Writer
Film recommendation: Blue Valentine
Reason: What better way to make yourself feel better about being single than sitting through a couple biting each other’s heads off for two hours? Watch a young couple fight about money (and literally everything else), communicate poorly and grow apart, and it’s enough to put you off love for good. Their relationship is ~aesthetic~ sure, but if not even Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams can maintain a properly functioning relationship, what chance do the rest of us have?
Available on Amazon Prime
Name: David Farrell
Title: Performance Marketing Executive/King Of Shade
Film recommendation: Gone Girl
Reason: If there’s ever a film that’ll make you never want to get married and fall in love, it’s got to be Gone Girl. Every single character in this film ranges from 'odious dick' to 'low key murdering psychopath', which pretty much describes my personality cycle on any day I’ve had to wake up before 10am. Amy and Nick seem like the perfect couple from the outside, especially at the beginning, but it’ll comfort all singletons to know that beneath the surface it’s all gone to shit – in more ways than you could ever imagine. Happy Valentine's Day!
Available on Netflix
Name: Georgia Murray
Title: Fashion Writer
Film recommendation: Like Crazy
Reason: If you're in need of something utterly bleak but equally real, Like Crazy is the perfect antidote to the capitalist-rules, rose-tinted-glasses view of love that is Valentine's Day. Following the slow demise of a relationship between an American and a British student as visa issues and the Atlantic Ocean hold their love hostage, it addresses all the good stuff: jealousy, timing and self-preservation. Lead actor Anton Yelchin died in a tragic accident a few years ago, which adds another level of sadness to this already miserable film.
Available on Amazon Prime
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