On paper I have it all: I’m married to a supportive man, I'm mum to two children, and in the past six years I’ve managed to double my income. And while I’ve spent the past 15 years working as a financial expert, the top question I’ve been receiving lately from the many driven young women in my community has nothing to do with money. Instead, they want to know: “How do you manage the demands of a full-time career and be a good mum?”
They aren’t convinced that they, too, can have a partner and a career and kids. They read Lean In and all the modern career bibles, and yet they’re still left with doubts about how to happily and successfully grow a career and family at the same time.
How do you have time to do everything? How do you afford it? When do you sleep?
My answers are: I outsource a lot. I try to earn a lot of money. I take naps when I can.
But that’s not the whole of it.
My ability (most days) to support and show up for my career and family is thanks to a set of beliefs I established years ago, well before I became a mother, or even before I met my husband. Some of these beliefs — about the need for independence and self-protection — date back to the days of my mum’s stern warnings and the threats about strange men in our neighbourhood who would steal me if I got too close. (I was five and she was probably right.) But I started making professional and financial moves long before I decided to have kids, and it set me up for success during this busy, sometimes challenging, always rewarding phase of my life.
When I hear from these young women who want to know how to do it all, I offer them the following advice. While every woman will have different solutions, these are ten principles that guide and empower me to be a fulfilled, working mum.
Farnoosh Torabi is a financial expert, host of the award-winning podcast So Money, and bestselling author of multiple books.
Independence, financial and otherwise, means having your own money. Not your parents’ money. Not your spouse’s money. Someone else can pledge to support you and the kids, but what if they become unemployed or mismanage the money? What if you want out of the marriage? Having your own money — in your own bank account — provides a cushion for you and your family or an out when you need it most.
I was raised with a lot of fear and skepticism, which had an enormous impact on the way I run my life. I don’t trust that things will “just work out.” And I believe no one cares more about my money than me. For this, I can thank my mother, Sheida Torabi, an Iranian immigrant, who had me when she was just 19. Her parenting M.O. was to instil fear in me so I would stay out of harm’s way. No talking to strangers, no staying out past 9. When I was 19, she straight up told me that she would never bail me out of any financial crisis. And while she never went quite so far as to say that a man is not a plan, I inferred as much when watching her argue with my dad over money. In the end, I became the type of person who assumed a great deal of personal responsibility and accountability for the things I wanted in life.
But more than just taking personal responsibility for earning your own income, we need both men and women taking charge of their financial destiny if we want to make the world a better place. Mums who support their families financially, whether as primary breadwinners or with the help of a partner, are terrific role models for children (and other adults, too).
If you’re hell-bent on maintaining your career post kids, surrounding yourself with people who support your ambitions is of the utmost importance, and it should start with your partner. We often focus on trying to find an “equal” who checks off boxes we think matter, like education, career status, salary, and politics. But it's better to verify: Does this person show evidence of being truly excited by my career pursuits and financial ambitions? Will this person be my biggest professional advocate even when I’m doubting my abilities after having kids? Will this person voluntarily change nappies? (Worth asking, based on feedback about boyfriends at a recent gathering of young women.)
When I hear mothers justify leaving the workforce, they usually say something like, “I wasn’t in love with my career.” And it’s true: Feeling indifference toward your job makes motherhood seem easier and more rewarding.
If you’re not in love with your career, now — before you have kids — is the time to make bold moves toward that goal. Even if you’re in a relationship and it means moving across the country and being long-distance for a while. Even if you don’t feel super qualified for the promotion. Even if you are scared about quitting your job to start that business. Prioritise yourself. Make the sort of career moves that can help you grow your skills, improve your pay, and make you a greater asset in the workplace. This will help to anchor your positioning in your career after you become a parent, and will reward you with the seniority, experience, and a desire to stay working...because you will love it too much.
Working mums often find our salary competes with the cost of childcare. And after all the quick maths is said and done, some conclude that it’s best to quit and be the primary caregiver. When you look at what some women are spending on full-time childcare a year, staying at home can seem like a good option.
But when you are absent from the workforce, you lose much more than just the cash. You also lose the ability to invest in your pension and more. Childcare — and its costs — are temporary. Though you may end up losing money in the short term, you are bound to make more money in the future if you keep working. So think of childcare as an investment. It might not pay off right away, but over time your whole family will reap the dividends.
Just take it off the table. Don’t even entertain the possibility of giving up your career. Sure, you will need a break. But always have a plan to get back in the game — and soon. Make this your life’s framework. A non-negotiable.
This mindset can seem limiting. But, to the contrary, I have found it to be extremely liberating. When opting out is not an option for you, you will be persuaded to make choices and follow a path that supports your life. This includes seeking employers that are family-friendly (or starting that business because it’s the best way to control your time). You may even become more motivated to save and pay off debt to better support a future where you can, in fact, afford to be a mum and have a career at the same time, as opposed to feeling stuck in a single lane.
It’s your job to craft a team that supports your ambitions. This can include but is not limited to: your partner, your parents, your in-laws, a nanny or daycare provider, your boss, babysitters, helpful friends and neighbours who can pick up your kids if you are running late, and colleagues at work who can cover for you in a pinch. Build your tribe and be loyal to them. Get really good at asking for help, because you will need it. You can have it all — so long as you aren’t doing it all.
Guess what? You are a grown woman. You don’t have to breastfeed if you don’t want to. Whether you choose to breastfeed or not can have a major impact on your career, your livelihood, and even your relationship with your partner. I’m not going to get into the debate over breastfeeding here, but I will tell you that every mum is allowed to choose for herself. I wish that I had a female advocate — other than my mum — who said that I was no less a parent for choosing to formula-feed my son.
Formula-feeding meant that my husband was able to help feed our baby day and night. I had more free time to manage the house, take care of myself (recover), and work. But it was still a tough call to make. I felt like a bad mother at times. But let me tell you, absolutely nobody has the right to judge you over your decision to breastfeed or not. Choosing a path that serves your entire family is more than okay. It’s wise parenting.
I discovered within the first few months of having my first baby just how little attention is given to a postpartum mother’s needs. Sometimes your best and only advocate will be you. Be sure to stand up for yourself and do what you need to recover and feel whole. There is no doubt that after kids, you will have less time for yourself. And that is why it’s important to build in consistent (or at least somewhat regular) time to unwind, reconnect, or just catch up on sleep.
It’s very easy to slip into mummy martyrdom and feel guilty for making time to grab a glass of wine with a friend or take a yoga class during your lunch break. But if you don’t take a break every once in a while, you will crack. Remember that you’re a wife, a friend, and your own person in addition to being a mum and employee.
Unhappy mothers create unhappy children. Judith Warner, author of the book Perfect Madness, wrote that it’s not working mums or stay-at-home mums that most women cite as the cause of their mum-related issues. Instead, it comes down to happiness. If mum is happy, the kids are happy. So if you are a working mum and love your job, shout it from the rooftops. Let your children see the benefits of having a mum who works and is proud of her choice. You’ll be leading by example for the next generation of young women who aim to take on the world.
Some days (okay, a lot of days) will be super messy and things will fall apart. I’m often tired and desperate for a shower, and I have been known to feed my kids cereal for dinner every once in a while — with the television on. And sure, my son occasionally asks, “Mum, do you have to work today?” But then other days, life and all of its demands align like magic. You’ll realise that you can move a meeting to walk your son to school and even have a little time before work to meet a friend for coffee. You’ll earn that raise just when your growing family needs a bigger home, and thanks to your promotion, you can now command a more flexible schedule. Things have a way of working out, but only if you insist upon it and go after it unapologetically. And don’t forget to squeeze in some naps!
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